Cleanse, fold, and manipulate

January 27, 2007 - 9:08 p.m.

PRE – January 18, Thursday

I've decided to do a 10-day fast, the Master Cleanse, which is just water with lemon juice for 10 days. NO FOOD. I've been researching it like crazy for a few weeks now. It's cleansing the colon and stomach and loosening the rump roast that I ate when I was 7 years old. Clean it all out. Some people pass MARBLES and other shit that they ate when they were a kid. I initially got this idea from Kristin Tracy, whose blog I’ve been reading for a few years. I was inspired by her positive experience with the Master Cleanse, so I went and Googled it and found countless other people’s journals and a good 98% of them had VERY good experiences.

My reasons are that I feel I need to "reboot” - I feel very run down and just "off" and not healthy, no matter what I eat. It might have to do with the fact that I was quite sleep-deprived while having The Handsome Man and his cats in my house for 5+ months. I averaged 4-5 hours a night that whole time, like having a newborn baby! (The Handsome Man is gone, btw, has moved away and left me alone, but that is a long story for another day.)

Another big reason for this fast is that it seems I have Anger Issues. It’s been more than 7 months now since I broke up with the Fag and my anger hasn’t ebbed at all. In some ways it is worse, because when men treat me well now, it only underscores what a dick he was and it makes my blood boil. I do mental comparisons all the time and then I burn with humiliation and then I DWELL. I’m so full of hate and carrying it around is just eating me alive. The only thing that can cure it is an apology from him, and that is never going to happen. I’ve also tried writing him a letter expressing my hate, not knowing if I will ever send it or if it’s just therapeutic. Well friends, that letter is now 12,300 words long (yes, THOUSANDS) and growing and it’s not making me feel any better.

So it’s safe to say that I’m doing a cleanse for mental and spiritual reasons, because I have a lot of demons inside that need to be purged.

Anyway I took 2 days off of work and am starting the fast this Saturday and then I will have 4 days at home to go through the detox/food withdrawal which I have heard is baaaaad, headaches, mood swings, anger, etc. Also there might be pants-shitting. I will drink salt water in the mornings which acts as a laxative and you shit your brains out for 2 hours. The body cannot absorb or process salt water, it just runs straight through you and comes out your butt! And it takes everything it passes along with it, i.e., POOP. This is why you will die if you are lost at sea and you drink the ocean, fool!

But after the 2nd day there is no more hunger pains, the stomach shuts down digestive mode and just rests. I'm hoping to get off of sugar for good, as well as rid myself of unhealthy food cravings i.e. fats, cheeses, processed foods. I'm a total sweets junkie and it is my downfall, like I think about chocolate all day and it’s a constant mental battle. And then I want to eliminate refined and processed foods from my diet. Like starting from a clean slate, I shouldn't have sugar cravings anymore and my clean palate should let me better appreciate simple, whole foods like fruits and vegetables. From other's experiences, they no longer desire meats, cheese, and sweets because they just taste too rich and fatty and just not good anymore. That's what I'm hoping for. I'M SO EXCITED TO GET STARTED!

The Lemonade:
8 oz of spring water
2 tblsp freshly squeeze lemon juice
2 tblsp Organic Grade B Maple Syrup
1/10 tsp Cayenne pepper (I ditched this ingredient by Day 3 – it was making me pukey with the taste)

THE PLAN
Drink 8-12 8oz glasses of the lemonade a day. Plus water. Plus poop tea right before bedtime and salt water flush (SWF) in the morning. Try not to kill me or you.

THE GOAL
Push out the jive, and BRING IN THE LUV.

DAY ZERO, Friday

Meditation, Zen and the Art of Pretending I Don’t Love Food Second Only to Wieners. Free yo mind, and yo ass will follow….

Shop first at Stanley’s Fruit Market for cheapest produce and quickly realized it should be called Meat Market cuz it was fullll of fiiiine-azz men, all a-prowlin’, and cute and health conscious and shit. When did this place turn into Hipster Central? I looked like a dip-shit, unprepared for boy-spotting, but think that it is pointless since my immediate future is full of Hershey squirts and crabby cat-claw behavior anyway. File under: Where to Find Sensitive Man-Lovers.

Return to car and find that my key ring has broken and several keys are missing. Search the store, the car, and my person to no avail. I only have the ignition key, no door or trunk key. Luckily, I had left it unlocked so now I can drive but I can’t secure purchased goods in vehicle. Don’t have a spare key cuz 3 of them warped and broke. God. Damn. My brother has the only spare and he lives 65 miles away.

Move on over to Whole Foods, which I can’t stand but need to buy organic maple syrup ($24 worth, thanks assholes). I also bought BUST magazine because Parker Posey is on the cover and I knew I’d need toilet reading. Once again, the market was full of single men shopping, including a few who had also been over at Stanley’s 10 minutes earlier. No less than 5 men flirted with and talked to me.

LAST SUPPER

All day I ate shite, like a death row fella tasting food for the last time. “Eat now or forever hold your peace (peas).” Chai tea Latte, which I now know, thanks to Chubby Partridge, has 900 calories and is probably responsible for my matronly upper arms. If that 16 ounce latte had a face I’d punch it in the teeth for being such a tasty jerk all the time. I also ate: giant bowl of clam chowder, multi-grain baguette, cookie, Reese’s pieces, veggie sandwich from Soprafina, ‘nuther cookie, birthday cake at work, and who knows what else.

Then for my real last “meal” I drunk a glass of fresh-squeezed organic OJ that I made with my new Cuisinart juicer. It was. So. Yummy.

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The Cleanse Fast Days 7-12
February 09, 2007