I'm Outen-Z to Phoenix, AZ

July 03, 2006 - 4:49 p.m.

I seem to be having trouble with my anger and bitterness. It is getting worse instead of getting better, and this is not a good sign. I feel like it will take me a very long time to assuage this hate, because I need that guy to apologize to me for being a lying, non-committing, selfish sack of shit.

For now it’s just distraction.

One good way to gain perspective when you’ve been dealing with a hateful person who is poisoning your brain, is to hang out with a kid. 6 year-olds work the best. Great age.

The cure for the common asshole:

So cute. That’s my goddaughter being purty as hail. We saw “Cars” and went to Uncle Fun and bought a plastic pig that poops, and one of those goldfish with their brains coming out of their forehead. (All the while driving around in Miss 69 with the top down, of course). And then we went to Wicker Park and she ran in the bear sprinklers and then we ate ice cream and then I was d.o.n.e. for the day. Some day she’s going to be seven feet tall and a beautiful model, I just know it.

Also, I’ve been known to run away from home after a breakup. I always take a vacation when a relationship ends, so I’m leaving, in like 5 minutes here, to go to Arizona and visit my friend Ginger and her family, and my gay ex-boyfriend and his handsome life partner, who is little more than a male version of me. It will be tits, I’m sure of it. I am a kitten and they are my big gay ball of string.

I’m hoping this will knock me in the head so I can snap out of it. You should see my face, it’s like a sad, sad little girl with bloodshot saucer eyes, staring lost into the nothing. This is not a good time for me. And all I want to do is find a nice boyfriend, date someone, smoochy smoochy. It may seem too soon, but let’s face it, I haven’t had a real boyfriend for more than 9 months so I’ve been lonely and single for a long time, thinking about my future boyfriend. Thinking about sex and intimacy.

Last year was the worst 4th of July ever, and it was all the pilot’s fault, but of course I didn’t write about it because he’d have been pissed. Suffice to say, he refused to take the day off even though no one asked him to work that day and he was supposed to be home in time for the fireworks but he wasn’t. And I was literally the belle of the ball, sitting in my fancy dress and makeup, all done up for my 2nd favorite holiday, liquor in hand. Waiting for him all night, literally for hours. He told me to meet him at his friend’s party (why oh why) at 8 pm and I sat there by myself, knowing no one, for three hours, while the fireworks went off down at the lake and I couldn’t see them. Then it started pouring rain on my head. So I went home. And then he got home and midnight and was all, “hey, sexy outfit, you wanna fuck?”

Yeah, fuck him.

That’s why I have to get out of here for the 4th, I have to see some fireworks and be around friends and enjoy the shit outta it.

Wish me luck.

*smooches*

Shawna

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