The possibilities for this title are infinite

December 05, 2005 - 5:28 p.m.

Am I a bad person because I could not eat this?

The moment the sushi platter was placed in front of me, I noticed this thing but was able to stifle my dirty thoughts and instead work my way through the squid and tuna etc. It wasn’t until I had cleaned most of my plate and this thing was left in the middle, all by its lonesome, that I got a case of the giggles.

My boyfriend and I had ordered the same combination plate so I pointed at the thing and said to him, “Honey, did you notice – ”

He interrupted me. “YEAH I SAW IT.”

“Well, did you eat it?”

“Yeah, I ate it. It was fine.”

“Did it taste – “

“IT TASTED FINE.”

I’ll put just about any kind of marine life into my mouth (or, Shrimphole, if you will) so I was disappointed with myself for not eating this thing.

I guess my giggling and pointing at the thing with my chopsticks became excessive because it drew the attention of the sushi chef and he approached our table, “Is everything ok?”

“Oh, yes! Everything’s great! Delicious!”

He points to the thing, “You do not like?”

“Uhhhh…”

My boyfriend interrupts, “We were just wondering what it is?”

“This, is the SURF CLAM.”

That did it. I burst with a giggle, and then turned red, and then looked at my boyfriend who promptly turned red as well. Of course, it had to be a CLAM.

The sushi chef continued: “It is very different from the squid, it has a different texture, more chewy.”

Me: *cracking up*

He waved his hand toward the piece, “You should try…” Like he wanted me to eat it right in front of him.

“Oh, yes, well! I’m feeling very full now, so uh…in a few minutes!” (Lie).

An honest reply would have been, “I have the maturity of a 6 year-old, the mind of a Guido, and the vocabulary of a sailor. I am incapable of putting this thing into my mouth, that looks like a bearded clam that’s been shaved.”

Let’s take another look at the surf clam:

Seriously. Me and this clam have far too much in common. And I’m embarrassed that it’s all exposed out in public, and everyone can see.

My boyfriend said, “Well, there’s a reason they call ‘it’ a clam.”

I don’t think I have homophobia, or vaginaphobia, it’s more like, hmmm…. There’s a GENITAL on my plate. Even if it looked like my preferred genital, the penis, it would still be a GENITAL on my plate.

I said, “Honey, will you eat my clam?”

“NO, sorry.”

So I took it home, and of course photographed it, spent a lot of time staring at it from every angle, and then put it back in my fridge. All I gotta say is: This clam made my fucking week.

Maybe tonight I can convince my boyfriend to eat my clam, bearded or not.

D’oh!

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