Karma, cars, snow, idiot

January 13, 2005 - 5:52 p.m.

Several examples of Karma biting me in my ass and me being a pig-headed fool.

Series of events. It all started with:

1) Steal black car from elderly people who receive Social Security, who are away on their first trip to Europe.

2) Live it up for a week, drive very fast, drink & drive. Yessss.

3) Take black car to fancy hand car wash in last-ditch effort to soothe conscience, before switching cars and picking up elderly people from the airport in tan Mercury.

4) Go to O’ Hare to pick up the elderly, wait. Get shooed away by security lady. Drive in circles for one and a half hours, waiting, while feeling mega supra-hungover from New Year’s the night before.

5) Make frantic phone calls to relatives of the elderly and find out I am waiting for the wrong flight. Security officer threatens to arrest me.

6) Drive back home to wait. Stick key in door. Phone rings. It’s the elderly, whose plane has landed. Elderly assure me that it will take one hour to get through customs, so I should relax.

7) Trudge to kitchen. Prepare turkey sandwich, first meal of the day, at 5pm.

8) Sit drunk ass onto couch. Bring handful of turkey to lips. Phone rings.

9) It’s the elderly. Customs only took five minutes and they are waiting for me at the terminal.

10) Get back into car. Drive to get elderly. Pouring rain falls from the sky, ruining fancy hand car wash.

11) Drop elderly off at home. Go to retrieve own car down the block, having now dropped off stolen black car which was in possession for 8 days.

12) Find car. Has flat tire down to the ground.

13) Pouring rain with white Rocawear jacket.

14) Fuggit.

15) Call Belle and ask for ride home. Will fix tire tomorrow.

16) That night: Blizzard arrives, lasting 72 hours and dumping 3 feet of snow.

17) Trapped at home with no car, unable to walk or ride bike due to blizzard.

18) Have date on Wednesday with the pilot. Must get car fixed.

19) Wednesday comes, car not fixed. Supposed to meet Pilot at Lula Café. Too stubborn to ask him to pick me up. Must hoof it or ride bike in the midst of whirlwind blizzard.

20) Decide to ride bike through 3 feet of snow. Only vehicles on the road are me and snow plows, fire trucks. White out. Blinded by ice.

21) Idiot.

22) Arrive at date a complete snowman. Jet Pilot is incredulous and offers to fix my flat tire. I say NO I CAN FIX IT MYSELF.

23) Two days later, Belle drops me off to fix my tire, leaving me there while he goes to work. Car is buried under snow, having been plowed in.

24) Have no shovel, as someone has stolen it off back porch. Dig out tire with own monkey hands

25) Use can of Fix-A-Flat to inflate tire, in order to drive to tire store.

26) Fix-A-Flat doesn’t work. Throw 5 dollar can of air into someone’s yard.

27) Decide to change tire to spare. Dig in trunk, find jack. The jack is jacked up. Unusable.

28) Stranded.

29) Have to hail cab to get home. Climb into cab and sit in large puddle. Notice back seat is covered with mud puddles (wtf??).

30) Home. Must resort to asking a man to fix my tire. Two days later, Jet Pilot removes my tire.

31) Tire cannot be patched, due to sitting on ground for 8 days has been ruined. Must buy new tire.

32) Jet Pilot puts on new tire. While replacing hubcap, it breaks.

33) Get in stupid fixed car with new tire ghetto style with no hubcap. Drive away.

34) HA HA HA HA HAHHHHH IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER.

35) Notice car pulling to the right. Get out and find SECOND FLAT TIRE. HAHAHAHA. Still no jack. Idiot.

36) Put air in tire and drive home. Cannot pull into garage because mounds of snow. Still no shovel, stolen. Get stuck in alley.

37) Men walk and drive by and will not help push me. Try to use one foot to push own car while driving with hand.

38) Stuck for 40 minutes, sweating and near tears.

39) Finally get unstuck, must park 2 blocks away from home. Get stuck in said spot while more snow falls, covering the stupid beast.

Now, I firmly believe that all of this stupid shit happened to me because I was bad and stole someone’s car and abused their trust.

But driving the black car for a week? It was SO fucking worth it.

Dear Karma,

BRING IT.

Love, Shawna.

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