*sniff* I'm sick, shit

January 12, 2005 - 5:53 p.m.

Just a short update because I am delirious with fever and cannot even find my own mittens.

Firstly, I got several emails from people tearing me an asshole because I nearly got chop-chopped by the black Hannibal Lechter on the subway. AH’M SORRRAY SHEEIT. I promise from now on I will carry two of my 4 maces with me all the time. Didn’t I tell you about the Fogger? I’ve got the Mace Fogger which is about the same size as a Barbasol can, and apparently it can take out whole groups of people, and it also contains tear gas and UV dye. So long as I can see the whites of his eyes, I can burn them right out of his skull.

Secondly, several people showed genuine concern about my safety and well being, and I’m here to tell you that I’m alive. Hi.

Thirdly, I’ve gone on 4 dates in the last 7 days, and have been treated like a princess. But then one night I (kind of) got stood up. My “date” waited until 2am to call me (drunk) and asked if I want to meet up now. By that time I was already home in my pajamas watching the Simpsons. OUT!

Lastly, I came into work today tripping balls on cold medicine and caffeine and right away my boss called me into her office. Shi…I’m fired…what did I do now…did she catch me signing up for Girl Scout Cookies…?

Anyway. That bitch told me that I got a raise as of NOW, and it’s 16%!

That’s ONE-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX BITCHES!

PERCENT!

Not cents.

Huzzah! Where’s the nearest Honda dealership, shiiiit.

(sing) *I’m in the Money*

Beers on me. BEERS FOR QUEERS. BRING IT.

Just as soon as I can bring my body temperature down below 100 degrees, I’ll write some sense here. (Eyes cross). LOVE SHAWNA.

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The Fast, Days 1-6
January 28, 2007