Ya'll betta recognize

March 23, 2004 - 7:45 p.m.

Some time after Belle and I broke up, we were both having no luck at all with online dating and agreed to write a profile for one another, hoping this gimmick would lure in boatloads of Ass. Oh wait, you didn’t know that Belle was my boyfriend, for years? Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that, huh. Well he was. Shame on me for not mentioning it sooner.

The following is what he wrote for me. It had to be edited to all hell because it’s so damn long, but I put the original version up here. I almost shed a tear. And I swear I didn’t write this, or prompt him.

“Recommended by 4 out 5 Ex-Boyfriends.”

This profile has been written by ReddMenace's x-boyfriend: You're probably wondering why a guy would be writing his x-girlfriend's profile. To be honest, I just want her to find someone that can completely appreciate the unique person that she is. We dated for years so I know quite a deal about our Lil’ Hellion.

Along with ample breasts and jacked up teeth, this girl has a lot to offer. She's so attentive and involved when you spend time with her, it will make you feel like there is no one else on this earth as great as you are. She can make you feel special when every one else calls you a fat loser.

She's funny in an Elaine Benes sort of way. She can crack jokes with the best of em. There is no phrase or word that is offensive. It's great because there is no need to watch your mouth around her.

She's an avid photographer, loves to take pictures of herself in the most unflattering way. She's not conceited or vain. She just feels that her subject, herself, is very interesting, think Frida. She's very much into nature and animals, especially dogs. She was raised out in the sticks somewhere, so there's definitely a sense of morals and ethics. This compensates for her lowbrow sense of humor.

She's incredibly smart. Very perceptive and can offer advice like Ann Landers. Every time I had a problem, I could always ask her for advice, which was always poetic and sensible. She won't bs you. If you're fucked up, she'll say "You're fucked up." She's a very astute girl. In fact, she taught me that word; it means sharp and insightful.

She's usually down for anything, as long as you pay and you drive. She loves to hear compliments. But they have to be genuine, so don't be fake. Trust me, she'll see right through you.

Normally, she's really laid back. The only thing she gets steamed about is lying and cheating. Don't do it. She's a lot like a bomb-sniffing dog, she can smell lies. Yeah, it's creepy. This trait makes you love her even more so. She loves boys that are well read. Not like me at all. If you can hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around the next Sandler movie, you're in.

All in all, a great find. Kudos to you if you are the one to make her happy. Because it will come back to you ten-fold. She is the most loyal and sincere person I've had the pleasure of knowing. Good luck, yo.

–Belle the Man

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