I wanted to be "Cornteeth" but it was taken

the F that takes the cake

February 17, 2004 - 1:07 a.m.

Check out this guy from the dating site --I actually got queasy reading this guy's profile. He sent me a few smiles and I ignored him so then he finally wrote me this email. The first part is his letter to me and I added what's written in his online profile at the bottom. And of course, he's ugly, in a creepy moustache way. I'm going to reply and rip him an asshole from here to Jamaica. Ass Face.

Hello Shawna,

I want you to know that I am contacting you with my last 5 credits. I've had these 5 credits for at least 3 months.

I would like you to largely disregard most of what you read in my profile. (It is rapidly becoming obsolete - almost as quickly as my life is changing.) I want you to know that what you wrote in your profile truly intrigued me.

I would like to talk to you...

And tell you what (in my profile) still applies and what does not.

And tell you anything you might want to know about me.

In so many ways I am selective about who I might meet in a dating scenario.

In so many ways I am tolerant of different opinions and lifestyles.

There was a time -- in my history with Lavalife -- that I spent many credits aimlessly, fruitlessly, with reckless abandon. Over time, I realized how completely unrewarded I was with that approach.

Mostly I tired of that, and my last 5 credits sat there unneeded, unnoticed, forgotten. Then I read your ad, and I though to look how many credits I had left. And it happened that I had just enough to write to you.

I am not prone to poetry.

This is not a form letter.

Allow me to convince you.

If you are not already too creeped out.

This is not me (usually).

--Brandon

HIS PROFILE:::: ME: (for practical purposes)

-- see my "Intimate Encounters" profile for a slight variation -- I'm in a complicated, difficult, and time-consuming situation that does not leave any room for a serious relationship. I am currently in a relationship and live with my girlfriend but things have not been good for some time now. The situation leaves my life lacking in certain areas. I'm looking for someone who wants to help me fill in the following blanks: simple companionship, affection, and (possibly) sex.

I must stress that sex is not at all the only reason I'm here, yet I'd be a liar not to include that in my list of goals. I am human, after all, and I have a normal male libido.

YOU: (i.e., my peculiar preferences)

You must be in a similar situation or at least have compatible needs. You must be satisfied with only being able to see me 2-4 times a month. You must have your own life apart from mine. Your "purpose" for me must be largely ornamental or incidental - not fundamental. You should have at least a basic understanding of the previous sentence without having to consult a dictionary.

Age, race, skin/eye/hair color, weight and height are generally unimportant to me. Shape, however, is important to me. If you are thin you must still have a somewhat curvy, feminine shape. If you are a large woman you must have an hourglass figure - large butt and breasts, relatively smaller in the belly (not barrel-shaped).

Please send me smiles or mail *only* if you've read my profile and think something could work out between us. If we start talking I'll be *very* open and honest about myself and everything going on in my life. (As much as you'd like me to be.) I'm not here to waste anyone's time, including my own.

Please do not IM me. It doesn't seem to work :(

Thanks for reading! Brandon

Dear Brandon,

Wow. You really take the cake. I have to tell you, that in all of the hundreds of men I have encountered on the internet, you, by far, are the most offensive individual I've seen yet. Upon reading your profile, I literally felt nauseated. For the most part I'm a nice person and wouldn't want to make sweeping generalizations about someone I've never even met, but in this instance I feel justified in saying what I want to say. In case you weren't fully cognizant of what you were writing while composing your profile, let me show you how it was interpreted by women who can actually read and write.

Incidental: 1. minor or casual or subordinate in significance or nature or occurring as a chance concomitant or consequence. 2. not of prime or central importance.

Ornamental: 1. Of, relating to, or serving as an ornament or decoration. 2. beautifying; embellishing. 3. serving an esthetic rather than a useful purpose.

Fundamental: Essential, as an element, principle, or law; important; original; elementary; as, a fundamental truth; a fundamental axiom.

Let's see, you're looking for someone minor, subordinate, and unimportant, for decorative and esthetic purposes! Woo-hoo! That's JUST the type of gal I strive to be! Now, if only I can fit your strict physical requirements, maybe I'll be worthy of having sex with you twice a month. Hmmm, shucks. As I look in the mirror, I really think that I have more of a BARREL shape, and lord knows you really can't use a barrel for decorative purposes.

Now, I know you asked me to largely disregard what you have written in your profile. But really, how can I? Do you think I want to know a man who even thinks this way, at any time, for any reason? I don't think there's anything more I need to know about you. I think that what you have described here cannot be construed as "dating" by any stretch of the imagination, unless you live in Saudi Arabia.

Stick with the "intimate encounters" section and I'm sure with time, you will attract a lovely hour-glass shaped lady who was molested as a child, or whose daddy drank too much and mommy was a slut, and she'll fit right into your hectic complicated life. Oh, and about your needs and male libido? Self-control is what separates us humans from the monkeys. Evolution, my friend, hop on that train.

I'm nothing special, but goddamn I know I'm better than you.

Shawna

0 took this opportunity to tell me I suck

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